I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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