the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
