this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
