i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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