one word: firstdatebathroomanal
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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