I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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