My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
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i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
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Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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