is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
