yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
