and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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