Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
