Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
