The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
