haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
