i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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