I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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