just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize