You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
