wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
