she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
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