I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
