if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
