but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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