Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
