Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
3 2 1 whiskey
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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