Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
