i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
