I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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