fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
