you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Couch. On fire.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
