If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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