He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
