before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
