it wasn't lemon gatorade
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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