his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
