i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
So. Much. Porn.
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