***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
