well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
organizing the empties. That sober.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
