i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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