3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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