Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
