Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
