Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
