I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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