Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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