u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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