we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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