the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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