My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
