My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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