1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
vagina is talking i cant
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
