Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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