It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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