Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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