Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Randomize
