My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
