great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
It's just like the Real World with babies
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
