you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
