You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
