I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
