i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize