I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
