I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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