My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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