I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
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He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
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i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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